The music industry is faced with a crisis: their current "flavor
of the month" pinup girl artist, Britney Spears, is nearing the end of
her 15 allotted minutes of fame. Soon the time will come for her to be lead
back to that lonely old warehouse in rural Oklahoma, where she will
be slaughtered and then devoured by Mariah Carey and
Celine Dion*.
Usually when this occurs, they just pull another manufactured pinup girl up from the
minor leagues*, and this
is no exception. So now it's time to meet Britney's replacement: Christina Aguilera,
a vacant-looking ditz from Pittsburgh who claims to sound nothing like Britney,
although we highly doubt that*.
She's here to replace Britney, and she'll be around for just as long, too. She probably won't be fed to Mariah and Celine, though, as they will both be on their yearly diets at that time*. Her life spared, but her career in music over, Christina will attempt to get into television. She will star in a sitcom on the WB network along with former Spice Girl Geri Haliwell and, since this is the WB we're talking about, at least twenty-seven Wayans Brothers. Unfortunately, the show will be a miserable failure, even by the WB's stupendously low standards, and will be cancelled after just three episodes. Its time slot will be used to air even more Pokémon reruns.
Dejected, but not yet defeated, Christina will spend a few years developing concepts for new television shows. Of course, since she's just an former manufactured pop star, none of the ideas she comes up with will be very good, or even comprehensible. Finally, after years of rejection, Christina will stumble upon the Greatest Television Concept Ever*. Like the great Greek mathematician Archimedes, she will immediately run naked into the street shouting "Like, Dirt Devil, or whatever!". Unfortunately, there will also be a large, speeding bus in said street. The resulting impact will throw her about sixty feet into a parked motorcycle. Surprisingly, though, she's still alive after the accident. It's the owner of the bike, a 423lb* woman in her mid forties wearing a tacky biker chick ensemble, that kills her.
Where Are They Now: 2010 is a presentation of The Internet Landfill